A Bug’s LiFe…

I was browsing through some of my friends’ list of friends and I came across a profile with this:

About Me:

" I believe the saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone. All you see in front of you is a stranger with just a known name.

What’s better? A lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them enough not to.

Scars are there to make sure we never forget.

Better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

They laugh because I’m different. I laugh because they are all the same.

I’d much rather to be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I’m not.

Dykstra’s Law: Everybody is somebody’s weirdo.

Nothing is more painful than realizing you hurt the one you truly care about.

You can always close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see..
but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel.

Unless you have seen a day through my eyes, unless you have listened through my ears,
unless you have walked a day in my shoes, don’t even begin to judge or criticize me.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the

America

’s Cup.

France

is accusing the

U.S.

of arrogance,

Germany

doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in

America

are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘

Colon

.’ Need I say more?

But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes?

Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life?

And, seeing those choices, choose another path?

There is not enough darkness in the entire world to put out the LIGHT of even one small candle…"

Wow…that guy is a very sensitive, perceptive soul. I can’t help but admire at how acute his sense of the world is. It amazes me that soneone else might be thinking of the exact same thing I am thinking of sometimes, that the wonderment of the world is not yet lost even to some of the most seemingly apathetic youth. 

I don’t know this guy, I didn’t even know he exists until now, but I can’t help but write a blog about what he said..because those wise words made me remember how I see the world back when I was also 19…

(Sigh) Sayang..he’s only 19

there are really instances in your life when you just want to take the heaviest bat available and whack yourself–HARD! on the head! gee, i feel like doing EXACTLY that right now.

i always wonder: why do  i have such a rotten lovelife? (uhm, lades…do you EVEN have one?) it’s the question i kept asking everytime: 1.) i see sickeningly sweet (wah, bitter!) couples cuddling inside the moviehouse… 2. )i hear tear jerking love songs about unrequited love… 3. ) i hear stories of friends falling in love, falling out of love, getting pregnant , then falling all over again… imagine, in the racetrack  of romance, while some has already made several rounds, i haven’t even started yet! at 21, i have to content myself with reading romantic novels that has not contributed one iota to my lovelife, or watching sometimes shallow, sometimes remarkable, romantic movies…

it’s not that fate hasn’t given me several opportunities to make a truly amazing love story. it has…but you see, it takes a certain amount of maturity to actually SEE the opportunity fate has so generously given you.  and as much as it hurts me to admit it, maturity is definitely what i lack all these time…

i used to think that you have to be model thin and beauty-queen pretty to snag a guy…WRONG! even the ugliest of women eventually found true (?!) love… although my inherent pragmatism tells me that: heck, of course you NEED to look attractive!  i also realized that while looks can a vehicle (and a rather fast one too!) for romance, it’s not the BE ALL and END ALL when it comes to loving. 

How about personality then? for the longest time,  i really believed that my dragon-like temper is the MAIN "mitigating factor"… and maybe, it one way or another, it is! WHY? because everytime i come across a possibly dangerous guy, i revert to my "lady dragona persona"…

I once heard this line: EVERY WOMAN HAS THE EXACT LOVELIFE SHE WANTS… and it kind of made me think: Is this "rotten" lovelife truly what i wanted? i look back at times when along the way i met someone…and another someone, then another…and i have to ask: WHAT WENT WRONG?

and NOW, i finally have the answer to that! what’s wrong, dear?  ME! now i know that the first step to getting the lovelife that i wanted is to be HONEST. plain and simple.

whhhhaaaattt…??? i can almost see you shaking your collective heads while uttering a heartfelt: "what does honesty got to do with it?" well, sweetheart, you got to be honest WITH YOURSELF. if you feel a special something, admit it! accept the fact that  you do! and don’t even try to begin to analyze what it is that you feel until you acknowlege the feeling! it doesn’t matter if you feel "IT" for the nerdy seatmate in your econ class, or that stupid, arrogant jerk in your office, or that cutie cum hottie guy your super bestfriend unfortunately has the hots for! Honesty shows maturity. Honesty means your ready to shed off your insecurities and is opening yourself  to certain possibilites. 

alright, so i admit the feeling…NOW WHAT?! one reason why i tried hard to conceal what it is that i feel is because i was afraid to ask that question!admitting somehow requires you to make a more definite ACTION, right? again, be honest…do you WANT him? if yes…what for? haha..tough, isn’t it? 

then DECIDE! should you make a go for it or just let the opportunity and the feeling GO? remember, not doing anything about it is actually a CHOICE! (right, marketing pips?!) and if you choose it you might (just might) end up thinking of a series of what might-have-beens and other permutations that could have arisen had you chosen a more aggressive course of action!

but if you choose the "more agressive course of action" prepare yourself for GASP!, possible REJECTION>>>>and all the gory realities attached to it (read: embarrassment, bruised ego, wounded pride, lacerated heart…or whatever term you want to call it!)

sigh… don’t mistake (or confuse) dignity with pride. they make look one and the same sometimes, but really, they are two very different things… in my constant need to "preserve my dignity" i let several love stories go unfinished (well, to be honest, it ended before it even started!) looking back, i realized that it wasn’t dignity but pride that stopped me from "making a go for it!" and sometimes, i really wish i did…

watch something’s got to give and you’ll hear this line: "if something happened to you that has never happened to you before, wouldn’t you at least try to find out what that something is?"

well, something happened (that already happened to me once or twice before…) but sadly, i didn’t have enough maturity (or honesty) and courage to find out what that something is…

***PEACE!

I’ve finally reached the age when

I have to learn how to work hard

Play hard

And make certain decisions that I may not want to

I just realized that one day

Life will require us to decide on something

That may hurt…but we have to…

We can’t stay in our comfort zone forever

And we can’t remain in the bosom of our friends

Even if we want to

Life involves risks

And it requires you to jump

And you have to take the plunge

Whether you are ready or not!

I always thought that life will stay the way

As I knew it

But in less than a year

My life took on a complete turn

And nothing’s the same anymore

And then I realized…

I’m not the same anymore.

I grew up, I guess…

I always wanted to act strong

and I tried to convince myself

that leaving something behind will not hurt

But it does…

I miss my old life

But there’s no other option for me

but to move forward.

I’m taking a BIG plunge right now!

Hope I can make it!

The Look

by: Sarah Teasedale

Strephon kissed me in the spring,

Robin in the fall

But Colin only looked at me

And never kissed at all

Strephon’s kissed was lost in jest,

Robin’s lost in play,

But the kiss in Colin’s eyes

Haunts me night and day.

Have you ever noticed

That the worst way to miss someone

Is when the person is right beside you

and yet you can never have them…

When the moment you can’t feel them

Under your fingertips you miss them?

Have you ever wondered–

Which hurts the most;

Saying something and wishing you had not

Or saying nothing and whishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest to say.

They are the things you get ashamed of

Because words diminish them.

Words shrink things that seemed timeless

when they were in your head

To no more than living size

when they were brought out…

Don’t be afraid to tell someone

“I love you”. If you do, they might break your heart

If you don’t, you might break theirs.

Have you ever decided

Not to let love bloom

Because you were so afraid of losing what you

Already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn’t.

You can’t tell your heart what to do.

It does it on its own—When you least suspect it,

or even when you don’t want it to.

Have you ever wanted

To love someone with everything

You had but the other person won’t let you?

Too many of us stay walled because we are afraid to

Care too much for fear that the other person

Doesn’t care as much, or at all.

Have you ever loved someone and they had

Absolutely no idea whatsoever?

Or fell for you best friend in the entire world,

And then sat around and watched him

fall for someone else?

We tell lies when we’re afraid.

Afraid of what we don’t know.

Afraid of what others will think.

Afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie

The thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump!

Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder

What they would have, or could’ve had.

lady, you’re single because you don’t want to commit… 

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has probably told you that you haven’t quite grown up yet, that you’re still holding out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a knockin’. Or perhaps you’re just having a difficult time accepting that your comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. After all, you’re probably a lot of fun to be around and may be the life of the party.

But when it comes to settling down, you leave without looking back twice. Now’s the time to ask yourself: Why? What’s holding you back? Maybe you don’t want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps by saying "yes" to someone, you’re afraid you’ll lose yourself, or the possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best relationships are those that never stop growing. That’s something you can identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you’re really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

They say…"love comes to those who believe it…" and I believe it! PROMISE!

*You read his message over and over again…..

*You walk really, really slow while you’re with him….

*While thinking’ about him, your heart beats faster

*You smile for no reason,

*You feel shy whenever you’re with him…

*While looking’ at him, you can’t see other people around you….

*You start listening’ to slow songs….

* He becomes all you think about…

*You get high just by his smell….

*You realize that you’re always smiling’ to yourself when you think about him….

*While reading this, there was one person in your mind the whole time…..

***Right?!!!!!!

–>>I’m not in love after all…haha! (wicked laugh)

tHe piRaTe in Me…                  

MORTY RACKHAM… You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

check out your pirate name: http://www.fidius.org/quiz/pirate/result.php

The Years: In REVIEW>>> What Made 2005-2006 Memorable

Summer of 2005, I had a summer job in ePLDT Ventus… the summer I met Mor, The Snob, and dozen friends or so… the summer I realized that:

1. Working in call centers is liable to make you an eyebag monster…

2. Drooling over a gay (who showed no romantic  interest in you…) is  the worst thing a gurl with no boyfriend could possible do to her goddess self…

3. Taking math and calls on the floor is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a good idea…

4. There’s a big difference between: " I want to see you" and "See You Around!"

5. I may love Koreanovelas, but I hate Korean Food…

6. YOu can NEVER tell, just by looking, who’s straight and who’s curved!

The BLOGssssss….

***Crazy For You
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smokey air
Cant you feel the weight of my stare
Youre so close but still a world away
What Im dying to say, is that

Chorus:

Im crazy for you
Touch me once and youll know its true
I never wanted anyone like this
Its all brand new, youll feel it in my kiss
Im crazy for you, crazy for you

Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we meet, no word at all

Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath Im deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, youll see

(chorus)

Its all brand new, Im crazy for you
And you know its true
Im crazy, crazy for you

Ehem…that (the gay, I mean, guy, on the pic) dearies, is MOR…can you honestly say that he’s NOT DROOL-WORTHY?

                                   —

I honestly don’t know what has gotten into me when I wrote this! Let the youth and their perpetual idealism be… I found out soon after writing this that life’s complexities cannot easily be solved a by a simple YES or NO…what’s right may not always be chosen, and sacrifices may have to be made, sacrifices that we may not understand.

But then again, if there’s one thing I wanted to keep with me, it would be this– THE youth’s innocence that the world can be changed if we want it to be…

ELias’ last words…

" I die without seeing the sun rise on my country. You who are to see the dawn, welcome it, and do not forget those who have fell during the night."

                                                                        – Elias, Noli Me Tangere

I came across this line while reading Noli…and instead of giving me hope,the line actually saddens. This line was passionately written by a FIlipino who dreamed of a better future, a FIlipino who once tried to change things and,upon failing, willed the next generation to continue the fight…

But after more than a century,here we are, still prisoners of the depressing poverty and ignorance that once held as captives… It makes me wonder…did we ever fought at all? Or have we given up the fight?

We were given a chance to make things right…how did we ended up making things all wrong?

…for those who have seen the dawn, welcome it, and when dusk falls, never be afraid of the darkness…

May 10, 2005 in just thinking | Permalink | Comments (0)

We can’t change the course our history has taken, all we can do is pave a different path and fervently hope that it will be taken, accepted and appreciated…

                                            —

As much as I hate to admit it… I sounded a bit bitter on this particular blog… *wink* Haha…but who can blame me? When you’re already 20, has never been kissed…and seemed destined for single blessedness…you ARE liable to get just a bit peeved with love, aren’t you

I was born a romantic. But after 2 decades of fruitless existence, I have come to the conclusion that life is determined to turn me into a cold cynic. i used to dream of wild fantasies, of men who will sweep me off my feet… i used to, dearie, but not anymore.love, for me, has long lost its luster. the last time i believed in it, i ended up vastly disappointed, disillusioned. sometimes, i honestly think that love is a mere illusion… a wonderful tale woven by desperate people in a vain attempt to be happy.

They say: It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, well, thank God I’m a woman… after my passionate declaration of "NO TO LOVE!!!" here i go, changing my mind less in than 2 months later…

time to end the waitin’

the cynic lady decided to change her mind… i realized i’m not that cynical about love, or romance, after all. that despite the 2 decades of hopelessly waiting for the prince charming that never came, i’m still waiting…

my lovelife was a series of excruciating ups and downs and complicated twist and turns that always ends with… (drumrolls) nothing! 2 decades and this lady has never been kissed, hugged or courted.

the first time i ever thought (foolishly) i was in love, i was only thirteen. ha, such a perfect age to come up with the perfect excuses to make a laughingstock out of yourself. i planned, strategized and conjured up all possible plots, schemes and possibilites to grab the man of my dreams…the ending? a secret relationship! yup, a secret relationship…it was such a big secret that no one knew about it, no one, except me!

the sadder part is– he already graduated from college, and i’m about to graduate too, and here i am, still keeping the big secret to myself!

September 30, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well…the most memorable birthday, I guess..

Sad Birthday to me…

This has got to be the worst birthday of my life…Today, i turn 21…a milestone, wouldn’t you think?

and today i found out that i might not be able to graduate this academic year after all…this is the story of my life…After spending an entire night trying to ward off little bloodsucking vampires off my skin…and trying to get some sleep during one of the hottest nights in iloilo… i woke up with an old friend banging at my bedroom  door, (at 7.45 am!!!) and asking me to help her (she lost her ATM card!)… a friend who didn’t even remember that…

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!

My parents…(sigh) i received no text message…no calls (or missed calls…) none whatsoever (out of sight, out of mind, i guess..) and my sisters? they’re probably busy…neither bothered to greet me…so they MUST be REALLY BUSY…my good ol’ buddies.. (whom i owe a thousand pesos, by the way) apparently didn’t remeber too!  this is the first time i’m not celebrating my birthday at home…

NO old, familiar friends to hang around with…nothing familiar at all…oh…and did i mention that i might not graduate this year…? this has got to be the worst birthday of my life…

The birthday I turned 21…

June 06, 2006 in Oh Life…. | Permalink | Comments (3)

Haha…don’t worry, guys, it may sound like a catastrophe (well at least, at that time, it was…) but really, it’s NOT…